Did I suspect that day a year ago that I would be here, watching the season change, watching the leaves turn and then drop away? No, change was coming, a cruel wind was blowing, but I was unaware. But also along with that cold wind blowing me towards 2006 changes would come, both good and bad. And all the changes would change me and those around me forever.
As I watch the days march towards winter, 2 months left in the year, I am unaware of what 2007 will bring. How will it change me? Change those I love? Will 2007 be a year that the changes are subtle unlike this year where the changes were big, bold, and screaming?
I need 2007 to be a sublte year. I enter my first real winter outside of Florida thinking back to how little I knew of what was to come and how things would be.
Nov 3, 2005, Carl was still alive. Irvin, Lucy and I still lived in North Port and I was still battling my health and my weight. One year and so many changes, so many friends lost, so much changing rapidly and dramatically. One year later, my health is better, I have lost 120 pounds and I have lost some friends. I have left the only home I have ever known to come to a place that changes every 3 months. Can I take that much change on a yearly basis? I've taken a lot more in the past year: Moving, leaving friends and family behind, laying to rest a dear person that meant a lot in our lives, losing other friends and family members, having major surgery and losing a good chunk of myself. 120 pounds worth.
What would I have done differently if I had known a year ago what was in store? Could I have done anything differently? Could I have changed any of the outcomes?
We all change, we all go through seasons in our lives. We move from summer to fall to winter and spring. We watch a cold dying season, followed by rebirth. A never ending cycle in nature repeated in plants and in humans. A cycle of life.
Did I know a year ago today that a family would experience death and birth all in the same year? New life forming as an old life slipped away?
Lives like seasons are constantly changing, we only know that spring follows winter, everything else we find out as life unfolds before us like the spring bud unfolds into a flower. Like spring following winter, the good comes and the bad recedes, but memories remain like autumn leaves pressed in the pages of a book.
Will this years autumn leaves reveal such a drastic year of change when revisted next year? Or will lives return to the ebb and flow that is more subtle like the tides and not nearly like the figurative hurricanes that blew through our lives in 2006?
2 years ago in this season, lives had changed drastically too because of literal hurricanes. Lives torn apart by storms and their aftermath.
Lives this year torn apart by even stronger storms that only blew in our hearts and minds.
Autumn, a vibrant, colorful season, but a season that we know will be followed by cold and harshness. But spring is a promise that will be kept. It will come, our lives will flower and we leave the past behind pressed between pages in a book.